"Light Skinnededed"

“So, I have to ask… are your sons mixed?”

Did you really have to ask? I’m not really offended, but thank you for confirming one of my biggest, deepest, darkest, and most shameful insecurities. It reminded me of when i did this event for a black sorority. They loved my presentation, took me out to dinner afterwards and everything …I’ll get back to that story.

So here’s the thing. I didn’t realize I was so color conscious until after the initial shock and awe of the birth of my beautiful sons. Olu and Dela were 5 lbs 1 ounce, and 3 lbs 9 ounces respectively. It had been a trying, complicated pregnancy. The second born, Dela, looked like a sleeping frog, including the narrowest butt in captivity. Among his many nick names (bantam weight champion of the world, skinny mini) “frog booty” is probably my favorite. He initially had problems breathing and drinking at the same time, but he worked through that just fine and they both look like handsome humans. He’s going to be Andre 5000. He can dance, beat-box, sing and play the jembe at the same time, despite the fact that I can never get the camera on in time to catch him. If he’s supposed to be the next Einstein I hope to know how to help him get there too. The first-born, Olu, is a stud; early sonograms show him kicking the crap out of his smaller brother. He walks around with legitimate (and overly used word these days) swagger, and is fiercely independent and alarmingly smart for a 2 year old. He’s at that cute stage where he can be smart ass and be applauded for his intelligence instead of sent to the corner for time out, and he knows it.

Almost immediately after they where born I noticed that these where the palest people I’d ever seen in my life. They were lighter than all the white doctors and nurses in the delivery room. I can’t even remember how my mind tried to rationalize it. I think I kept waiting for the color to kick in, some of my friends told me that’s what happened when they where born. But no, they are still at least 3 shades lighter than their mom, whose at least 2 shades lighter than me. Ahhh, and the blond hair around the edges of their face…

Okay, lets take this even further back. Their mom is half Cape Verdean. No, that’s not the made up ethnicity Tiger Woods said he was 10 years ago (that was “Cablasian”). It’s a small island of the coast of West Africa colonized by the Portuguese, a major stop in the Portuguese slave trade with Brazil. The people there are of every complexion you can imagine. Her grand father, one generation removed from Cape Verde, could’ve passed when he joined the U.S. military in WW II, but didn’t. They eventually made an all Cape Verdean division. There are now more Cape Verdeans in the US then in Cape Verde. They have damn near taken over New Bedford. When we first started dating, she told me not to be surprised if our children have hazel eyes and blonde hair, because Cape Verdeans are a hodgepodge of DNA. She has cousins, brothers and sisters with the same parents, who look black, Puerto Rican, and “mulatto” respectively. Neither of us knew how serious that possibility was.

It’s funny, but with my African last name people often ask me where my family is from. They look at me side ways when I say South Carolina. I haven’t done the whole “Skip Gates” thing and traced my DNA. I’ve traced my fathers family on his mothers side, the Hancock’s, through a 150 year old family tree scribbled in a bible to the “Hancox” plantation, lord knows the gumbo of combinations that happened there. My fathers mother, my grand mother, was about the same complexion as my children. She deserves a whole article to herself, but that’s for another day. We keep saying we’re going to go to the county seat and check the property records and track it even further. My father tells me that I have Cherokee or Katawba in my blood lines on his fathers side. So, basically “I got Indian in my family”. My mother side is black, as simple or complicated as that is in South Carolina.

Until I can find a way to narrow that whole explanation into one sentence, I just tell people, “nah, my sons are black, just mixed the way all of us are”.

Which is a much longer answer than the, “why should it matter?” that I want to say. But in reality, I feel like I understand. I would have the same questions, I wouldn’t have asked, but I think those things. The “black power” part of me is offended that people think their mother is white. I don’t judge anyone for deciding to be with someone of another race. It’s hard as hell finding love, and I don’t stand in the way of any one who thinks they have found it. At the same time, I could never see myself dating someone who didn’t identify themselves as black. I’ve never thought someone not black could relate to me because my blackness is a huge part of my self identity.

I’ve dated black women exclusively my whole life, of every complexion and shape. I must admit, however, that I’m as partial to light skinned black women as most black men. As sort of a nod to our conditioning, a favorite club game in college with one of my best friends and I was called “is she REALLY fine? or is she just light skinnededed?”. (you’ll find that if you really look at a lot of “fair skinned” women, they don’t have as much in common with Halle Berry or Alicia Keys other than their complexion). Talking black peoples obsession with race can get you on many tangents. So…

The look on black womens’ face, especially older black women, when I’m in the mall with my sons away from their mom, shifts from “They are the cutest little things in the word!” to “Shoulda got a sista!” in half a second flat. I get all the unspoken flak from being with a white woman, without any of the perks (you know, good credit and stuff like that), and I hate that I care. I become, in their minds, what is wrong with black men. On some level I feel like I should be able to relate to people in mixed marriages who go through that on a daily basis, but that’s not hardly what I signed up for. “They’re black dammit! I’m not your favorite basketball player or successful businessman who needed a white woman to complete his assimilation into society!” That thought is wrong on so many levels, but exactly what goes in my head.

I’m worried for my sons, and the strong African names I gave them, knowing that there is no way someone from African would ever consider them black. I’m also worried, because the few group physical confrontations I got into when I was younger, where always about jealous guys going after my light skinnededed, mixed friends. I’m more worried than anything that my own latent color consciousness will affect how I interact with them.

…So, I’m at the dinner table with a group of beautiful educated black sorority women, who are all laughing and engaged because they think I’m clever and a positive role model. They think I’m admirable because of my concern for our community and our children. I’m grinning from ear to ear because “This ‘Read a Book’ guy is the kind of black man we need more of in our community”. They love the way I speak glowingly of my sons. Naturally, they want to see a picture. When my wallet gets passed around, (they try not to, but non of them or theater majors) their faces change dramatically. After seeing that, so does mine.

Real Sex…for 10 Year Olds: Why Abstinence Only Doesn’t Work

Imagine for a second, a 50 year old adult with their eyes squinted shut, their pointer fingers jammed in their ears, and their whole upper body swiveling like a water sprinkler yelling “La La La La La!” at the top of their longs. That is the personification of the abstinence only program many socially conscious organizations are hauling around as dead weight, after being lured by the carrot of federal funding. On any given week day you will see 12 years olds being taught a perfectly valid social value, without being give any of the necessary tools to practice it.




Abstinence only doesn’t work because of a basic credibility problem. Yes, we want our young people to wait to have sex until they are at least mature enough to understand the ramifications of their decision, if not until they are married. But abstinence only operates in a vacuum, where your children will never hear about condoms, contraceptives, abortions or same sex relationships. That reality doesn’t exist. Your child will listen and take to heart everything you tell them about sex and sexuality, applying it to their daily lives, until they are exposed to something else that you didn’t prepare them for. At that moment everything you taught them about sex comes into question.

“If mom didn’t tell me about condoms, what else did she not tell me about?”

This will serve to do the exact opposite of what you intended, pushing your child to experiment on its own, instead of trusting your judgment about sex. How can you blame them? Your advice has proven to be partial at best, and a lie at worst.

Now, at a crucial time in our countries history, the epidemic of teen pregnancy and the policy makers who decide how we combat it has come together to form a perfect storm. And we have been forbidden to talk about it. Not only are we closing our eyes and acting as if we not acknowledging our children’s sexuality will make the problem go away. We must also pretend that we don’t notice that a conservative republican, who believes in abstinence only education, has a daughter who is pregnant at 17. We are not allowed to ask her what her conversations about life and sexuality are like with her children. We cannot ask her to explain how poor, single parent households are suppose to turn the tide of teen pregnancy when the Palin’s, with an obviously strong and cohesive family unit, cannot seem to get it right.

Please don’t misunderstand my position. I too feel like attacks on the Palin family are distasteful and crass. I have no urge to rub this in their face, call them bad parents, or question their core beliefs and values. I am, however, determined to make this a national conversation about how to protect our future through proactive understanding and education about our countries sexuality. As I’m sure Governor Palin’s eldest son will be the new mascot for why we must get it right in Iraq, her infant son will be the poster child for special needs children, her daughter’s situation should be a spring board to a much needed conversation on comprehensive sexual education.

I’ve worked as a counselor and then as a consultant for a non-profit organization federally funded to teach abstinence only classes in the Washington DC public school systems. My main task eventually evolved into making the abstinence curriculum “hip-hop friendly”. I incorporated popular music videos and radio hits into the curriculum. Those extremely overt songs about promiscuous sex that your pastor rails against, we spend 3 to 4 one hour sessions dissecting in detail. It’s amazing how much 12 years understand, or at least retain, about sex from popular media, their peers and the adults around them. One of the first exercises I would do when I begin as a counselor was to ask the students to act like their were no adults in the room and give me all the slang terms for sex and genitalia they could think of. On top of the typical old sexual jargon of violence and construction terms (bang, screw, nail, smash, hit) their where some new ones (cut) some regionally specific ones (bop) and one that I only thought would creep into the minds of those brave enough to read “savage love” on a weekly basis. I am amazed how few adults know what it means, but without fail every classroom of 7th graders yelled out “tea bagging” within the top 5 responses when asked to give me slang words on sex.

Even the most protected child has to acknowledge his or her parent’s naivety about modern sexuality because of all the information blatantly omitted from their sex talks. And while this might not lead directly to loose girls and gigolo boys, it is a seed that can grow given the wrong set of circumstances and friends. This is one of few subjects, if broached early and delicately enough, that you will have your child’s undivided attention. Their natural curiosity about their body and the complete lack of concrete information about the amazing transformation they are going through makes them wide open to suggestions at the ripe old of 10 to 12 years old.

Sex is not a private matter, it is an urgent matter of public safety! For the sake of our society’s future we need to agree upon some basics facts about sex and sexuality. Your values are your own, and should be passed from parent to child in ways that you are culturally comfortable. But a shared reality is that this is a world of penises and vaginas that are constantly colliding, sharing microbes and making more penises and vaginas. This affects public health, the economy, psychological and emotional health. This reality is older and will last longer than any language that is taught in school, whether it’s Latin or html. When your 11 year old daughter hears the term “getting some head” for the first time, it would be a lot more empowering for her to be able to say “my father explained what that was, and why I shouldn’t do it, you’ve got it all wrong” instead of “what does that mean?”.

And when we are given a chance to discuss this reality publicly we cannot pass up on the chance. We can be tasteful, we can be respectful and scientific. We cannot do the age old “hear no evil, see no evil” policy that has gotten us to this point. Too many lives are at stake.

Palin for President

Did you notice that tremendous thunder this Friday following the awe-inspiring speech by Barack Obama from over a mile high in the sky? No? That’s because the McCain campaign stole it with it’s out of this world decision to select Sarah Palin as his vice-presidential candidate. This announcement made her the first women to ever be considered for the position in a Republican Presidential campaign. So what makes someone qualified to by Vice President? As John McCain so famously stated, “the only job of the vice president is to check up daily on health of the president, and attend funerals”. The Vice President should be able to carryout the policy of the President if the President isn’t able to do so. That being the case, who has made the best vice presidential choice in the 2008 presidential race?

Before I compare their choices, I must say that I’m loving the idea that now all of my favorite talking point hungry, right wing pundits, are going to have to give their heart felt argument every night that they believe a mother of five with a pregnant teenage daughter and a special needs infant is completely capable of running the country. Can you imagine Sean Hannity ever thinking he was going to have to make that argument? If this had been a Democrat he would have ripped her for not paying enough attention to her family. He, and many others, have already said that Obama was neglectful and arrogant to want to be president with two young children. I’m not going to incite the wrath of million of super-moms out there who balance careers and families, but the idea that her families age and size have no bearing on her ability to perform her job is ridiculous. Especially considering the social conservative understanding of the mother as family’s primary caregiver. I’d also love to see how fervent Obama supporter, Oprah, is going to respond to this. Sarah Palin should just have “future hour long guest on the Oprah Winfrey Show” highlighted in bold on the top of her resume. No matter how you feel about the woman, her story is compelling, and if champions for women’s advancement ignore her it would be very hypocritical.

Also, following the earth shattering news on Monday, I understand that direct and unscrupulous attacks on Palin’s daughter would be tasteless and out of place. But to say that teenage pregnancy of a conservative Vice-Presidential candidate is irrelevant is insane. Cultural conservatives are active in bringing policy and legislation that affects how people live their everyday lives. From abortion rights, to sex education, to gay rights, they don’t just have theoretical conversations about how people should live. They are actively writing laws and campaigning on sexual morality. When their personal lives directly reflect or interfere with public policy position, it has to become fodder for debate. The same as when the social conservatives where planning a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage (an amendment that would have been the first to take a right instead of grant one) and Dick Chaney’s daughter was out, openly gay, and trying to adopt a child. Being unable to discuss the real life instances as it is affected by government policy is unreasonable. Besides, the teenage pregnancy in the Palin family will be exploited by the religious right, as evidence of Palin’s firm commitment to life and example of her being a super-mom dealing with real world issues. Discussing the conservative position on sex and abstinence education only makes sense, and asking how current and future policies would affect Mrs. Palin’s current situation is a fair question that the American people should demand an answer to. That would not be an unfair attack, but a necessary step to further the dialogue on the subject.

Now lets compare their choices. Barack Obama selected Joe Biden, after running his entire campaign based on change, on being a new face in the White House that is not beholden to the old ways of Washington. After basing his entire movement on that concept, he selected one of the oldest and most familiar faces in Washington to carry out his legacy if he is unable to continue it. If Obama was trying to find someone who most closely reflected his background and outlook on the future of American society, one would tend to think he would have selected fellow political newbie, Virginia first term Governor Tim Kaine. But seeing how he didn’t want to scare people with too much change at once, he went with a “safe” choice, hoping to quell any doubts about risks involved in voting for him. Despite the fact the Joe Biden had echoed many of McCain’s concerns about Obama’s experience during the primary campaign, Obama is betting on him making voters less nervous about his Presidency.

John McCain selected the first term Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin. Mrs. Palin, who is renowned in Republican party circles as a reformer and social conservative, and whose foreign policy experience, according to some bright people at Fox News, comes from her close proximity to Russia in the Berring Straight. After running his entire campaign based on the idea that the country needed someone with real foreign affairs and war time experience he selected a candidate with no experience or (by her own admission) interest in either. What McCain did do was find the biggest poster child for feminist social conservatism since Mary mother of Jesus. He has successfully satiated the desires of the Dobson crowd while trying to pilfer votes from disgruntled Hillary supporters. Whether or not ex Hillary supporters are willing to jump ship just to see a women, any women, get a step closer to the White House is yet to be seen.

Let’s take a closer look at both of these selections. The job of the Vice President is to carry out the policy of the President in the event of an unforeseen circumstance. So who is really selecting the best choice? As pointed out earlier, both candidates have picked someone who seems diametrically opposed to some of their major arguments for their own legitimacy as President. But in reality Obama’s main focus is based on a philosophy. Obama’s campaign is based on an articulated vision of America, and though it wouldn’t have the same gravitas with someone else bringing the message, it shouldn’t be impossible for another individual to carry it out. Even though Biden’s career does not represent Obama’s movement of change, it’s not impossible for someone to over see the implementation of his ideas if they truly had the desire to. McCain however, has made real life experience a major point. There is nothing you can do to replace McCain’s experience in Vietnam, or a quarter of a century in congress. McCain and Bush, until recently being exposed by Obama and the Iraqi government, have contended that the wars in the middle east over terrorism are a fluid situation that demands a long-term commitment and wisdom to act on the changing reality there. They’ve argued that his wisdom can only be gained through real world experience. This isn’t a philosophy; this is a real tangible qualification that can be accounted for by a quick check of someone’s resume. Nothing on Palin’s resume, except complete faith in the supremacy and wisdom of a Christian God, matches what McCain says we need at this critical time in history to run our country.

So what are the Vice-Presidential selections really saying about the position. Without any heads up to the Robert Rules of Order, the “vice” has been replaced by “co” when it comes to running for second in line to the President. Instead of looking for a candidate who’s resume is similar to the one that each party has ordained as THE man for this crucial time in our history, the co-president is seen as someone who is filling in the gaps in experience (and voting demographic) of the Presidential nominee. Now we aren’t selecting the next best thing in the party, but the person who represents the most polar opposite demographic of the party in order to sell the other half of the party on coming out in droves to the polling booth and be a divergent view point in the White House. Now Barrack is not only a pioneering black man from the mid-west, but he’s also a white northeast baby boomer with military and foreign policy experience. Now McCain is not only a war veteran and foreign policy guru, but also an expert on family values and energy exploration.

The McCain campaign is hoping that they will be able to counter anyone who notices the hypocrisy in their selection with the claim that they are being anti-woman. But in reality, other than successfully stealing the spotlight on Friday, how can the Republican Party possibly justify their selection of Mrs. Palin as Vice President. I’ve already heard many talking heads argue that she is not running for President, but for Vice President. No one has called them out to define the job, which in my book involves a whole lot more than stealing headlines in the weekend news cycle